Sunday, August 25, 2013

Tomorrow...

In a mere 12 hours, I will be sittong back at JCC for the beginning of another crazy semester of nursing school. Maternal/child and patho. By far I am most excited about studying women's health and OB. But of course I'm looking forward to understand the patho, especially of cancer. I honestly can I don't know very much about cancer so that will be very interesting.
So starting tomorrow, it will be whatever priority needs to be done, will come first. I hate the times when I have to put school before my family, but I'm not going to lie it happens. Its tough. But I know that this career will give our family a better financial situation, and in the long run that will be a big deal. Moments of "mommy guilt" are on the horizon. I will get through them moments like I have on the past. By just reminding myself of what is coming....and soon! Just about a year from now I will be entering my LAST semester od the RN ADN program. That day, that last day when I walk out, I seriously might go sit out in a field and cry. Not kidding!

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Baby # 3

No I'm not pregnant.

Now that is out of the way ( the title can be deceiving) but this post is about a future baby # 3. Yes it will happen. When? Not completely sure.
I have had baby fever since D was abiut 8 months old. Of course that was WAY to early for another. But that is when I was really really thinking about how many children I wanted. I had never had a specific # of children I wanted, but if you would have asked me 5 years ago, I would probably said 2 was enough. But I never thought about it in depth. And believe me, my 2 are enough. It seems my entire heart is just so full for them. But I also know that I have more love to give.
I would love to have maybe 4 or 5. But who knows? Maybe after 3 i will know in my heart that we are done. Someone once told me that you will know when to stop when you feel like you have one too many kids. I suppose one day I will get that feeling and just know I'm done.
So we have decided its best for is to wait another year or so to consider trying for another. By that time, I will be an RN, and Dominic will be around 4ish. That sounds very appealing, considering I had 2, 2 and under at one time. Not that it was too hard, but a little stressful. At that time I will be roughly 27 and that leaves me with about 7 more years of baby growing if we decide we want more. That's one good thing about having children young like we did. No rush because of age.
Inside I still want to be pregnant NOW. I can't wait to see the two pink lines, the little blip on the ultrasound machine, feeling the kicks and rolls in my belly, and yes even labor and birth. I can't wait to snuggle with a squishy little newborn skin to skin and successfully breastfeed. Also I can't wait to use the 30 plus NB cloth diapers I have been collecting. And don't even get me started on newborn pictures!
All good things come to those who wait, right? I know there is never a "right" time to have a baby, bit there is definitely a bad time. Sadly that time is now, for atleast the next year or so.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

A new and exciting (and a little nerve-wrecking) adventure!

  Today, I sign a lease for a studio for my photography. The studio is located in downtown Jackson, and I will be sharing it with a fellow photographer. Its not very big, but perfect for what I need it for. Its also affordable, something that was a very big deal for me. Had I not been able to find a trustworthy co-occupant, there is no way I could afford this on my own. I have been barley getting by as of now, only working at the hospital maybe 2-3 days every 2 weeks. I'm grateful how much time I have got to be home with the boys, but mama is pretty broke. Having the studio i think (and hope) that it will allow me to bring in a steady income from photography throughout the winter months.
  I'm really excited for what this studio will allow me to do with newborn/baby/toddler photography. Having a controlled environment with everything I could need for a session is so much weight off my shoulders. There is so much natural light in this studio, which is always my concern with newborn photography. Being a no flash photographer, natural light can make or break a session. Oh, and also not having to haul my backdrops, and the other 20 things around will also make it so much less stressful. Now, i will still be offering to come to clients homes for a lifestyle newborn photography session,  but the studio is where most of the posing, props, furs, blankets, hats etc will be. I literally have a basement full of stuff I never get to use because I have never really had a chance. I think some clients with small children/newborns will actually rather have a newborn session. Not everyone has a home where they can or would want having pictures done it. I know when I had Cameron, there was absolutely no way!
   Now on to why I'm nervous. First of all, is nursing school and not really knowing what to expect this semester. I have heard its not a demanding as semester 1, but you never really know what to expect until your doing it and get into a routine. For sure, I know I will be at school or conicals at least 3 days a week, half days. So there will be alot of mumble jumble with trying to work my schedule into photo shoots.
 I'm nervous that I'm having too big of hopes for the studio, and maybe this is going to be an expensive and time consuming regret. Then I remind myself that one photography session a month will pay for my part of rent. So that is s good thought.
  Of course we will just have to wait and see. I feel I was leas to this place, and I really do have a good feeling about it :)

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Our parenting style

When we became parents at the age of 20 and 23, we had no idea what we were doing. Neither of us had any previous small baby experience care in the past. I had not even changed a baby's diaper in years. Tony had not even held a newborn!
  When we were discharged from the hospital, I remember the nurse going over our discharge instructions. I was so nervous on taking this baby hone that I kept asking her personal advice. She was great and really calmed my nerves. When we got home, all I knew was that I had to breast feed every two hours, keep vasaline on his circumcision, keep him warm (it was fridgid February), and keep his pediatrician appointments.
  I had no idea what exclusively breastfeeding was, co-sleeping, baby wearing, attachment parenting was. Cloth diapers....what are we Amish? Lol I couldn't even fathom that.
  As time went by, I grew closer and closer to my sweet Cameron. We figured out that sleeping together got us most sleep. I had him in my arms constantly because I wanted him close to me. I had the pediatrician space out his vaccines because I could tell when he had them all together how different he acted. Sadly breastfeeding didn't work out due to ppd, and I was very uneducated about it. But I never felt guilt with giving him formula.
  At that time in our parenting stage, we just did what worked for us, what made our baby happy, and what made life run smooth. At that time I had no idea how other women can make other mothers feel so inferior. I feel bad for the new moms engulfed in the "mommy wars" as I call it.
  I co slept, I wore my baby on my hip and in my arms, I introduced foods to him as I felt comfortable, and I never thought I was failing. I did what felt natural, and that is a really good feeling. I didn't do that stuff because I wanted to be in a club or label myself. My bond with my first born was very strong because I felt we were one that had become two, but still one at the same time.  I'm grateful for that.
  With my second, I felt the mommy guilt like I had ran into like a brick wall. I had entered the world of social media, where if you didn't breastfeed, babywear, co sleep, ect, then your worth as a mother was greatly veiwed as less. Due to another awful round of ppd and this time I was gifted the awful experience of ppOCD, I had to sadly stop breastfeeding. I took that very, very, very hard. Not because I was crushed that I wanted that bond I didn't get with my first, but also because of how I was looked on as a formula feeding mom. I felt guilt everytime I mixed a bottle, I hid the formula in the shopping cart incase I seen a fellow mom. I had to see in bold letters on the formula bottle saying "breast is best" everytime I fed my baby. Which I 100% believe is true, but I also believe that formula is not poison with dead beetle shells, mixed with sulfur and high fructose crack. Because I feel, a lot of people look down on formula moms. Like formula moms didn't try hard enough, didn't care enough, are lazy and uneducated. I had to formula feed for my health, because I was a hot mess while breastfeeding with out medication (now after much research, I could have breastfed on the meds I was taking). I needed to be there for my 2 year old, my newborn, and my husband. I made the right choice for me. Of course, I'm very much more educated for the next baby, and feel confident that I can bf exclusively, but if I can't, Im telling myself now that I'm no less of a mother who breastfeeds her newborn and 2 year old at the same time.
  That is why I will never put a label on my parenting style. Parenting can be so unpredictable sometimes, that feeling like I need to meet some criteria to call me a label, makes me anxious. We will continue to do what works, what keeps us all healthy and sane, and what my heart is telling me what is right.

Monday, August 12, 2013

Just. Speachless.

   When I started this photography journey about 2.5 years ago, I would have never dreamed that this would take on what it has, and developed into something HUGE for me. Today I even went and checked out a beautiful location in downtown Jackson that I will most likely be renting with a fellow photographer. I'm beyond excited what I will be able to do in the studio....the setups! I have so many adorable ideas :)
  Its amazing that something so awful (which was my postpartum depression and OCD) drove me to find something to make me happy, a hobby, a distraction of the pain I was feeling inside. I have grown so much since then and I sit here and wonder how funny it is how things work out.
  I have so many clientele now. I actually just booked 10 mini sessions in less then half hour, and I was almost overwhelmed by it! In the past, it has taken me weeks to fill up mini session spots.
  I am very busy right now finishing up sessions. So I have to make this short. I just wanted to write this and just say how happy and blessed my life it and the opportunities I have been given are amazing.